I just don’t want to do anything today. Or all week for that matter. I’m fed up, and am getting that crawling, fizzing, annoyed-at-the-world feeling buzzing in my soul.
I ran a mile the other night around the park up the street from me. Furthest I’d ever run without stopping. I should’ve been ecstatic, but with each lap there was a group of LATE teens EARLY 20 year olds cheering me on with
“HEY CHUB CHUB”
“RUN FATTY, RUN!”
and my personal favorite:
“HERE SHE COMES AGAIN, I CAN FEEL THE GROUND SHAKING”
Are you fucking serious?
So, needless to say I kept my mouth shut (I have to think about my nursing license now, assault and battery does not the Ohio Board of Nursing like……) After I finished my mile I quit and walked home, highly discouraged, disgusted and just ready to cry.
My husband is not the best at consoling, although he did say I should have whipped out a metal baton and ran after them screaming like a crazy person….. He initiated sex later that evening as a way to make me feel better, and I participated, but my head was not in it. I was too self-conscious and depressed.
I wish I had the confidence to just walk up to the group of people and strike up a conversation, or just start laughing, “Haha yeah I am a bit chubby but you know what I JUST RAN A MILE. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WORTHWHILE LATELY???”
So yeah. Not motivated. And my son has a new card to play when I discipline him, he starts in with the “I’m so mean and I don’t love you, I want to live with my REAL mom etc. etc”
Which, I know I shouldn’t take personally, but I do. He has been spoken to numerous times about “filling my bucket” and how that is not nice or appropriate, how it is mean etc etc
“Oh he doesn’t know what he’s saying.”
Eh, Yeah. He does. He wants to hurt my feelings.
I don’t know. I’m just down and angry at the world. I just want to sleep.
So, needless to say, I’ve only ran twice this week, and haven’t done any of my HIIT exercises. Maybe tomorrow…..
There have been victories this week though- we paid off our car, are buying kayaks tonight, I was offered a DAY SPOT at work when I graduate (!!!!!!!!) and I sternly voiced my dissatisfaction with the trash company about how I established pickup last Monday and have yet to receive my trash cans. When I was told I wouldn’t get the cans by tomorrow’s pickup day, I said that was completely unacceptable and asked to speak to the supervisor. I got a voicemail, and left her pretty much the same message. I didn’t think anything of it and was pretty sure I got the big “FU” from them in their office.
But when I got home, a new trash can and recycling can were sitting on our lawn.
So there are things to be positive about. I just have to remember:
I will kick myself in the ass and get going on this. I will earn my body. I wish I could go up to those people in 6 months time and say something……