Last week I was highly unmotivated and had cranked to a friend about not wanting to run in the rain or the wind…. She, a half-marathon runner, promptly grounded me with “Um, never use the weather as an excuse not to run, I ran 13.1 miles in the windy rainy cold in April”(The Glass City Marathon)
I stood corrected.
So today, the first time running since my wonderful “cheerleaders”, I ran in the rain.
It was beautiful. It was cleansing. It was motivating.
I’ve been “running free” for the past week and a half or so (not totally intentionally, I just have a bad habit of STILL not charging up my ipod….) and the lack of music or timing or anything really opens up the ability to get your thinking on. I HIGHLY recommend running without music or eyeballing your watch at LEAST once a week. It’s good for the soul.
As I ran, I thought of the sacrifices our soldiers make for our freedoms. I thought of how I am allowed to run out in the rain, or how I’m allowed to wear whatever I want, do whatever I want. All thanks to our soldiers’ sacrifices.
As I ran, I passed a man walking, he laughed and asked “Getting a little wet, huh?” I just responded, “It’s okay, for what our soldiers do, I can handle this.”
It gave me chills, and a boost of energy, and took me past my mile and allowed me to finish up my third lap. I’m proud of myself, and my country!
I hope everyone has a safe and respectful Memorial Day!
I just don’t want to do anything today. Or all week for that matter. I’m fed up, and am getting that crawling, fizzing, annoyed-at-the-world feeling buzzing in my soul.
I ran a mile the other night around the park up the street from me. Furthest I’d ever run without stopping. I should’ve been ecstatic, but with each lap there was a group of LATE teens EARLY 20 year olds cheering me on with
“HEY CHUB CHUB”
“RUN FATTY, RUN!”
and my personal favorite:
“HERE SHE COMES AGAIN, I CAN FEEL THE GROUND SHAKING”
Are you fucking serious?
So, needless to say I kept my mouth shut (I have to think about my nursing license now, assault and battery does not the Ohio Board of Nursing like……) After I finished my mile I quit and walked home, highly discouraged, disgusted and just ready to cry.
My husband is not the best at consoling, although he did say I should have whipped out a metal baton and ran after them screaming like a crazy person….. He initiated sex later that evening as a way to make me feel better, and I participated, but my head was not in it. I was too self-conscious and depressed.
I wish I had the confidence to just walk up to the group of people and strike up a conversation, or just start laughing, “Haha yeah I am a bit chubby but you know what I JUST RAN A MILE. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WORTHWHILE LATELY???”
So yeah. Not motivated. And my son has a new card to play when I discipline him, he starts in with the “I’m so mean and I don’t love you, I want to live with my REAL mom etc. etc”
Which, I know I shouldn’t take personally, but I do. He has been spoken to numerous times about “filling my bucket” and how that is not nice or appropriate, how it is mean etc etc
“Oh he doesn’t know what he’s saying.”
Eh, Yeah. He does. He wants to hurt my feelings.
I don’t know. I’m just down and angry at the world. I just want to sleep.
So, needless to say, I’ve only ran twice this week, and haven’t done any of my HIIT exercises. Maybe tomorrow…..
There have been victories this week though- we paid off our car, are buying kayaks tonight, I was offered a DAY SPOT at work when I graduate (!!!!!!!!) and I sternly voiced my dissatisfaction with the trash company about how I established pickup last Monday and have yet to receive my trash cans. When I was told I wouldn’t get the cans by tomorrow’s pickup day, I said that was completely unacceptable and asked to speak to the supervisor. I got a voicemail, and left her pretty much the same message. I didn’t think anything of it and was pretty sure I got the big “FU” from them in their office.
But when I got home, a new trash can and recycling can were sitting on our lawn.
So there are things to be positive about. I just have to remember:
I will kick myself in the ass and get going on this. I will earn my body. I wish I could go up to those people in 6 months time and say something……
Yup. I eat when I am down, or stressed, or angry or bored.
I’ve known for a while, but it really hit me tonight when my husband went over to his friend’s house to play video games for the evening….
As SOON as he left, I wanted to eat. I’m talking the Jeep wasn’t out of sight yet and I was headed for the fridge…..
Mind you, we had JUST eaten dinner…..
A delicious dinner, of chicken and sauteed veggies.
A filling and healthy dinner, one that I was happily satisfied by eating, and I go all
And I wanted to gorge because eating makes me feel good. Because I enjoy eating, especially tasty food. Whatever is short circuited in my brain to release endorphins when I eat food has me by the jugular. It’s as if I can’t help it. My eyes roll back in my head like a Great White Shark going in for the kill, and the next thing I know the kitchen is a war zone.
Not too bad of a choice, I guess, but still….
Totally and completely unnecessary.
Fueled by emotion, not by hunger, or needs.
And I wonder why my weight see-saws (no, I really don’t wonder)
I do it because I’m stressed, one way or another.
We are in the critical zone, you know, the few days before payday, when we’ve pretty much run out of everything- healthy, non healthy, you name it, we ain’t got it! I guess it would be better if I had gone on a celery frenzy, or quinoa or strawberries….?
It’s frustrating. I need to channel those feelings and drink a glass of water instead
(I did after, does that count for something?)
On a positive note……. I completed Week 2 of Couch to 5k!
And I’m down 2 pounds (well, that was before Gorge Fest 2013)
I drank my 64 oz of water today, and then some…..
And once my shame meal settles, it’ll be time for some YOGA!
What are your binge triggers?
What is your “safe food”
(Mine, obviously, is a PB&J. Crunchy Peanut Butter. Lately it’s been grape jelly. Whole Grain bread)